My Story of Love, Life & Loss

My Precious Baby,

Your dad & I found out that we were pregnant with you on June 6th, 2006.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't really expecting a positive result. We'd been trying for more than 2 years & each month, I'd wait, hoping this would be THE MONTH. But, it never happened.

Why would this month be any different?

I was almost 2 weeks late, when I finally asked your dad to stop by the store on the way home, to buy a test. But, when he got home, I didn't take the test right away. We ate dinner & I did a couple loads of laundry. Finally, around 9pm, I decided I couldn't put it off any longer.

I needed to know.

I went into my bathroom & took the test. I looked away for 30 seconds, to turn the TV on & when I looked back down at the test, it said "PREGNANT".

I was so surprised. I couldn't move. I had to put my hands on the bathroom counter to steady myself. Then, I thought to myself, "We have to go tell your daddy!".

With the test in my hand & tears in my eyes, I walked into the living room to show your dad. I didn't say a word. I just handed him the test.

He looked at it, then at me & asked, "Omigod! Are you kidding me? We're pregnant? You're going to have a baby?"

To make sure this was for real, we made a quick trip back to the store & bought another test.

Same result.

You were on your way.

Finally.

Over the next few days, I had several blood tests, to make sure my body was doing what it was supposed to do. Your dad & I felt so relieved every time the nurse at our doctor's office called to say my hormone levels were going up & that we were, in fact, going to be your Mommy & Daddy.

The first person I told about you was your Aunt Holly, my sister. I waited until we got the results back on my first blood test that confirmed I was pregnant. Slowly, but surely, we told our parents, your daddy's sister & a few other family members. We also told a handful of people at work, but soon, we couldn't hold the good news in any longer & told pretty much everyone.

Your dad & I went on a roller coaster ride of emotions. We were excited, thankful, scared, worried, terrified & so, so happy all at the same time. One minute, we'd think to ourselves, we can do this -- we can be parents. Then, the next minute, we'd wonder what in the world we were thinking -- WE'RE GOING TO BE PARENTS? We don't know how to be parents.

From the moment I knew I was pregnant with you, I made some big changes. I threw out my Diet Cokes & switched to water. I started eating healthier & exercising more. I started thinking about our budget & how to rework it so that we could start saving more money for you. I got on the Internet & searched for baby furniture & crib bedding. I even sent links to your dad, so he could check it all out! I could already imagine you lying in your crib, in your nursery, decorated just right. I couldn't wait for you to arrive.

I loved knowing you were inside of me. That your dad & I had created something we had wanted for so long. Even though you were barely the size of a pea, I loved you as if I'd known you forever. I talked to you a lot, especially at night. Your daddy talked to you too. When I would tell him goodnight, he'd rub my belly & tell you goodnight & that he loved you. We couldn't wait to watch my belly grow, knowing that you were getting bigger & developing.

During our first ultrasound in June, we saw you & your little heart beating. The doctor gave us a picture of you, that I brought to work with me & showed everyone. I put it in a frame on my desk. I was so proud to show you off. That's my baby!

It was during our second ultrasound, when we found out something was wrong. You weren't growing. The doctor measured you & you were the same size you were in our first ultrasound 2 weeks before. He tried to find your heartbeat, but couldn't. That moment was the most devastating moment in my life. One I hope I never have to experience again. I couldn't speak. I couldn't cry. It was like I was paralyzed. The doctor told us you weren't going to survive. He started running down the list of things that needed to happen next. I didn't hear a word he said. I was in total shock that one minute, you were alive & the next minute, we'd lost you.

Your daddy & I went home & called our parents. Then, we just sat together & cried. We cried for us & for you, the baby we'd never get to know. The pain of losing you was just about unbearable. I couldn't understand why something like this would happen. I'd only known you for a short time, but I felt like I'd lost someone that I'd known for a lifetime. You were our baby.

Over the next few weeks, after we found out we'd lost you, your daddy was so sweet. He did everything & anything to make me feel better. He's the only one I wanted to be with. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone, except for him. I couldn't be more than one room away from him or I'd go crazy. He was my strength. He still is. He has to be.

I will never get over the pain of losing you, no matter how much time goes by or how many babies your daddy & I have in the future. I will always think of you as my first baby. I know I never got the chance to feel you move or to watch you grow, but that doesn't mean I loved you any less.

You will always be my little angel.

I love you,
Your Mom